The Alphabet Company Shareholders’ Meeting

The 26 letters of the English alphabet held their annual shareholders’ meeting. Revenue was down. The CEO, a large gilded capital A, addressed the room.

“We have too many letters doing too little work,” said A. “We need to talk about efficiency. K — what do you do?”

K stood up. “I’m silent in ‘knight,’ ‘knife,’ ‘knee.’ It’s a speciality role.”

“You haven’t made a sound in 400 years. You’re not a letter, you’re a decorative feature.”

“I have history!”

“So does the dodo.” A turned to W. “And you? Silent in ‘write,’ ‘wrong,’ ‘wrist’?”

“Same situation. We’re… etymological.”

“That means you’re unemployed but have tenure.”

From the back, GH raised a hand. “We don’t have a consistent sound at all. Sometimes we’re ‘f,’ sometimes ‘g,’ sometimes nothing. We keep English interesting.”

A stared at GH for a long moment. “Interesting is what you call a museum. Not a communication tool.”

The meeting adjourned. Nothing changed. As always.