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A man walked into an office labeled “Department of the English Language — Complaints.”
“I’d like to file a report,” he said.
The clerk handed him a form. “Which issue?”
“The letter K in ‘knight.’ It doesn’t do anything.”
“Silent letter. File it under Historical Artifacts, aisle 12.”
“Also, why does ‘colonel’ sound like ‘kernel’?”
“French and Italian had a fight in the 16th century. Both lost. File under Pronunciations We’re Sorry About, aisle 4.”
“And ‘read’ — spelled the same in present and past tense but pronounced differently?”
“That’s aisle 7. Homographs. Don’t confuse with homophones, aisle 8.”
“What’s the difference?”
The clerk handed him a card. It read: “A homograph is spelled the same. A homophone sounds the same. They are different things. We have thousands of both. Good luck.”
“Is there… anyone who can actually fix these?”
The clerk pointed to a door marked “Spelling Reform Committee.” Dust covered the handle. A sign read: “Last meeting: 1755. Next meeting: pending.”
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